Just a phase

Nowadays, it's really easy for me to shed tears out of loneliness. Just thinking about some things in my life makes me really sad and I don't know what to do with it. It may seem ironic because I have quite a nice, easy life. I'm really blessed to be living the way I do right now with the people that matter most, but still I can't help not to get sad. Maybe it's because of my being idealistic, that I have an ideal way of how things should be and they are not, they did not. Even if they turned out pretty well, but they're not how I pictured them to be, I get sad. I migh sound spoiled or something. I'm open to changes but I'm definitely not ready for big ones, especially when it turns my life around and everything seems out of reach for me. I seem to be too small in this big world.

About 3 days ago, I cried for about an hour. It's my first since I got here in the US. I guess it was a result of this big chunk of boredom that was eating me up and the realization that all my friends, Flip and the rest of my family are thousands of miles away, and my parents and I are surrounded by unfamiliar people here who I'm scared to interact and even have eye contact with. Suddenly I was consumed by the overwhelming thought that I miss the people that we used to be with, that I miss our old life. It is such a big change to come and live here. We used to be busy socializing and going out with our friends and family back home, but now it's just the three of us in an apartment. When my parents are working, I'm stuck with nothing to do and the difficult chore of how to entertain myself, alone. Though my parents have Filipino friends here that we visit when my parents are not working, it's just not the same anymore. It doesn't seem enough. I'm so bored here that it drives me to tears. I just want to scream for us to go explore some more places here, places that I've been wanting to go, like Hollywood for example. I want to go look at places... but instead I'm stuck doing nothing. It makes me nuts that I forget what a blessing it is to be here and be together with my parents at last. It was a shame when I cried because we were in Tito Dan and Tita Haydee's house and Tatay was playing mahjong with some other people there, so they all saw me crying. At first I pretended that I was not crying, that I was just blowing my nose. But Mama knew that I was actually crying and kinda tease me about it. I couldn't deny it anymore, especially when one of my parents' friends said that maybe I'm just missing Flip, so I just let go and burst into tears. It was really hard. It felt like my heart was being crushed and the tears are unstoppable. I wanted to stop crying but I couldn't. It all just flowed like hard rain.

Later I felt stupid for crying. I hated myself because I realized that I made it looked like to my parents and their friends who were there that I didn't want to be here and that being with my parents was not enough. Mama even asked me if I just want to go back home. At that time I was actually thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I love being here in America. I have always wanted to go here and this is a dream come true. But I would have been a lot happier if I'm here in the US with the people who I used to be with back home - our family, my friends and especially Flip. I was also mad at my parents and I guess I blamed them why I was feeling so bored and sad. Later I hated myself for hating them. They have done nothing but think of my future and do everything they can to give us a better life. I'm so blessed to be their kid. I realized this later on when we were riding back home and they were trying to cheer me up. Mama kept talking to me, telling me how beautiful the Christmas lights are on the houses that we pass while I just kept silent. She also said that I should be happy now that we're together as a family. This makes me realize that I have wounded my parents again. I led them to think that I was not happy being with them, that I'm happier being with other people than with them. I felt so bad for doing this. I didn't mean to do so but when I realized what I have done, I regreted it deeply and I wish I could turn back time and undo it. Tatay also asked me if I wanted to eat dinner somewhere. I just said it's up to him. I was still crying when he asked me this. I was in tears all the way from Sun Valley until we wear near Palmdale. We ended up eating at Applebee's in Palmdale. It's my first time to eat there and it actually cheered me up. By the time we were having dinner, I was back to my old self again and was talking non-stop with my parents. I guess it was my way of making up with them, of making them feel that I couldn't be happier than being with them. I was sorry and I didn't want to hurt them at all. I know I couldn't undo what I've done, even if it was unintentional. All I could do was make up with them and let them know I love them in any way I can.

When we were having dinner and talking, Tatay asked me why I cried and I said that I was just sad. My parents nodded and told me that it's just natural to get sad. Mama told me that she also got sad and was crying when she and Tatay just got here. Theirs was even harder. Not only were they homesick, but they have worries about money and our papers getting approved or denied. Tatay also said that she was also missing me and that's what kept him sad. Sooner or later, the loneliness will just go away. My parents are brave and we just have to be brave in times like this. We then indulge into our yummy dinner and I was on my way of passing this, yet again another phase. This is just another phase in life after all.

5 days

So I've been here in America for 5 days now. So far things have been OK. I've already quite adjusted to the sleeping thing just the other night. I'm thankful that I already have because it was really hard and exhausting to not get any sleep at night. I had these puffy red eyes and most of the day I just wanted to curl up in bed while we're out and going to places. I guess it was my exhuastion of being sleepless that enabled me to get my very first good night sleep the other night. But I still woke up after about 5 hours and it was quite a while before I doze off again. It's a slow process I guess. After a few nights I'll be sleeping straight soundly.

As for the weather, I'm still cold most of the time. My hands and feet get super cold. I wear socks all day and also a jacket even if I'm inside the apartment. hehe! Maybe it'll take me a month or two to climatize. I'm looking forward to spring and summer so I can feel warm again and be able to wear the clothes I have from the Philippines. Way back in the Philippines, I detested the scorching hot weather. But now I'm actually looking forward for some sunny, warm days.

I haven't gone much exploring places around here. I have gone to the movies though. Kathy took me to The Grove the other afternoon and we watched Flushed Away. I find the theather really nice, compared to the ones in the Philippines. If I keep comparing everything to the way they are back home, I'll surely be amazed how different they are and how much better they are here. The Grove is also one great wonderful mall. It was an open-air mall and I was cold when we were strolling around the shops and restaurants but nonetheless, I had a nice time. We took pictures at the fountain area where the Christmas lights and decorations are. There were really a lot of people there since it was a Sunday. After the movies, Kathy took me to Pasadena for dinner. We ate at New Delhi, an Indian food place. I think it was my first time to eat Indian food. The food were really spicy and I was sweating as I eat. hehe! But they were really delicious. I was also looking forward to go to Pasadena because most of the movies I've seen were shot in Pasadena and I totally adore the surroundings. It looks homey and just reminds you that it's a good life. Flip's uncle and his family also lives in Pasadena, so I've always wanted to go there. It was already dark when we went there so I didn't really get to see if the place really looked like the ones I adore in the movies. We also didn't get to drive around since we just stopped by at the restaurant, ate and drove home. Maybe the next time I go there I'll get to see much of the place and meet Flip's extended family! hehe.. :-)

Last Sunday, Mama, Tatay, Tito Dan and I went to church in Los Angeles. It was the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels and it was a really big church. It looked like one of those churches in the Da Vinci Code movie. The ceilings were high and the church itself could hold like a thousand people. There were a lot of Pinoys there, also Mexicans and a few African Americans. It was nice to see a lot of Pinoys. For lunch we went to a restaurant at the Japanese village. The food were really good and it's the first time that I liked Japanese foods other than California Maki. We also went to China Town to look around and buy some stuff. By the way, I finally saw the Hollywood sign.hehe! (the 2nd time in my life now) (it'll be an ordinary thing sooner or later)

Most of the time I'm just here with Mama in the apartment as Tatay goes to his work in the hospital. Mama will also have her work there maybe on the next couple of weeks, so this means I get to be alone here until the afternoon. This makes me realize that I miss our family and my friends back home. I wish some of them will take a vacation or go to work here real soon so I can have some more familiar people around. I also wish that Flip can have his own Visa real soon. I'm really looking foward for Achi Caren to arrive here from Missouri for Christmas and I really hope she'll transfer here for work. I'm also hoping that I could drive real soon because there are sure a lot of places I want to go to and also it's a way of getting adjusted here.

So this was quite a boring entry. Hehe

I'm here!

Yep, I'm now here in the USA, particularly Lancaster, California! I arrived last night (November 30th) at around 7pm (L.A. time), which was around 11am, December 1st in the Philippines. The flight was OK, though I really need to get some real sleep since I wasn't able to get any the night before my flight, maybe due to my mixed emotions about the trip...sad, excited,..and also because I tend to think a lot about certain things in times like this. The same thing happened before taking the board exam. But I'll be fine as soon as I can get enough sleep and in this case, get over the jetlag thing and adjust to the new time zone.

I was able to sleep on and off for about 7 hours on the plane. I had the isle sit and I was near the lavatory. I was also next to the tiny room where the flight stewards prepare our packed meals. I enjoy plane food. I find them cute in packed containers and I can always sense the aroma when they heat them, just before serving. Anyway, I'm glad and proud that I made the trip all the way from Bacolod to Manila and then to Los Angeles, USA alone. I couldn't have made it without my family, friends and especially Flip. My family made sure that I had everything I needed and taught me what to do and where to go in the airport. Some of my relatives, together with Flip, were the ones to see me off at the airport. We all cried and it was really sad to leave them. I hugged my relatives and expressed my thank you's for taking care of me at home while my parents were away. My heart just broke upon saying goodbye to Flip. He was crying, so was I and there were even sobbings. I was still crying on the plane to Manila. Good thing I got over the "pain" by the time we landed.

I would go on about the details of my trip on another entry. So far everything here have been OK. I'm just literally freezing sometimes due to the cold temperature though; It's around 35 degrees Fahrenheit here in Lancaster. Tatay and I went to the laundry room earlier to have our clothes washed. He also showed me around the apartment compound. We took the mail, went the gym to look around and we also met the Mexican caretaker of the apartment. It's nice to see that doing household chores and other things here are a lot easier than way back home in the Philippines. The look of our apartment, the new car, the weather, that certain smell I refer to as "America" makes it all real for me, that I'm really here in the United States of America.

A look back on college and these "last moments"

I'm currently in Iloilo for the last time in probably unknown number of years. I've spent almost 4 years living in this place while in college and being here has given me experiences in life that have taught me more than I could ever imagine. This is my 2nd home. I've been given the chance to meet new people here with different personalities from many walks of life, some whom I can consider my lifelong friends. My mind was broaden and my outlook on life bettered as I encounter different life's situations and discovered myself and where I stand on the tempting and shaky sands of good and bad. I met my very first and definitely, hopefully my very last boyfriend in this place, whom I couldn't imagine living life without. :-) Amidst my crazy dreams and goals in life, and my sometimes uncertain and non-directional ways of pursuing them, somehow I came out successfully and mostly, a changed person. I graduated college here, passed the board exam, and though what I want to do and who I want to become in life is now different from when I started college, somehow I'm starting to see who I really am and hopefully I'm fulfilling God's purpose, my destiny.

I find it really ironic and somewhat mind-opening of the fact that most of us don't know what to do in life the moment we graduate from college. I mean, our purpose of choosing the degree we earned in the first place is for us to do what we have planned for ourselves. College turned out to be an escape from the real world. But when it is over, you step out from the "sheltered world" and suddenly you realize you're totally unprepared for the real one. I wanted to be a doctor so I took Medical Technology as a preparatory to Medicine. But now that I've earned the degree of Medical Technology, I'm questioning myself if this is really what I want and I'm now not that passionate of becoming a doctor. Maybe this dilemma is just happening to me but I've seen this happened in movies, so I guess it does happen to some real people.

Obviously I'm still clueless on what I really want to do in life. The solution for now, I guess, is for me to go live in the USA and explore what's really in store for me. The opportunity to go abroad just came my way and I believe that life has its mysterious ways of putting us in the right place and this is God's will. I see college as this big moulding and shaping machine for me. My mind and character were further worked upon and now that its work is done with me, I'm off to find out what all the moulding and shaping process are for. I don't know..maybe I sound awefully abstruse and nonsense. Hehe.. Visiting Iloilo for the last time definitely brought realizations and lots of things to ponder upon.

Aside from the serious stuff, what I've been doing here mostly is spending time with Flip; Just being together for the "last times." The more I think about it, I actually feel like my breath is tightening. I'm really gonna miss him more than anyone can fathom. But I'm learning to turn this sad thing into happy reasons. It's just the missing part that sucks the air out of my chest. Other things I've been doing here for the past few days: I went to a baptism yesterday and I'm one of the baby's godmother. I also claimed my newly renewed passport from the DFA today. I'm enjoying spending the remaining moments I have with the people in this house, my relatives and the house helpers. Today I went to the dorm at school and said goodbye with my former dorm mates. It was also my last chance in a long time of walking around campus and experiencing its beautiful setting. I also got to hang out with Aries and Bombet today. We stroll around the mall and had coffee drinks and lasagna at Blue Jay.

On the other note, I found out that one of my close friends is pregnant. We were with her during the whole home pregnancy kit test and it also makes me sad that I wouldn't get to be with her or at least see her throughout the unplanned pregnancy and also see the baby soon. It's my first time to have a close friend got pregnant out of wedlock and somehow I'm glad that I get to be with her when she officially found out. I just wish her well and may everything fall into the right place in her life amidst this trial she is facing.

I go back home to Bacolod tomorrow and certainly, with or without a choice, I'll get started on packing.

It's official.

November 30, 2006 will be the day I'm leaving home, for good. After the canvassing of tickets, a reasonable one on this date has been found and so it's booked. I'm moving to a new country, the United States of America. I've always dreamed as a child of coming to America and living there. The clean look of the surroundings and the non-humid weather appealed to me. Whenever I daydream about my future life with my own family, the setting is always the USA. But now that this dream is finally coming true, I'm not sure if this is really what I want. I feel sad, most of all, among the numerous emotions that run through me. Sad simply because I'll be missing Flip, and also because I'll be leaving the only life I know and have gotten so used to behind. I could list a million reasons why leaving the Philippines is the best thing to do and also why I want to live in America, but still it seems so hard to leave. As much as how things are hopeless in this country, this is still my HOME. Everyone I know is here. My heart is here. I guess change is what I'm afraid of. I've always known myself as an adventurer in life and I used to love change, but this one scares the heck out of me. I don't know anyone there except our family friends. Yeah yeah I'll adjust there in no time, but I'm really just sad to be leaving. I love Flip so much and it may seem cheesy but I don't want to be away from him for years! Yes, we have to sacrifice but that's just an easy thing to say. I've never been fond of a long distance relationship because I know that I couldn't bear it. In this case I know I have to, I just don't want to think about the pain missing Flip will bring over the days..weeks..months and years that we'll be apart. Gosh, this has to stop.

Anyway, apart from being sad (which already constitutes 95% of what I'm feeling), I also feel excited, scared, and just blah. Excited because I'll be going once again to the world's leading country..hehe.. and not just that, I'll be living there for good. I'm excited about the plane ride (being in international airports thrills me..weird?!), the weather, the sights, the experience, the driving my own car thing..hehe and God only knows what else. Scared because of the culture shock I know I'll be inevetibly facing and also of the different kind of people I'll be encountering. Just blah because I don't know how to describe what else I'm feeling. I'm also happy, all at the same time. I'll be reuniting with my parents who I've been missing a lot these past 5 months. I am the reason why they went to America in the first place - for me to have a better future because they know that I've always planned of working and living there, so they went there first to make things right and easy for me. Now how many parents like that nowadays can you encounter? And how am I not supposed to be happy about this?

What I've deen doing the past few days

I went to Iloilo last Thursday for my passport renewal. It was one of those sudden decision trips and I decided to make it a surprise for Flip. After I filed for my passport at DFA, I went straight to CPU to surprise Flip. It was around lunch time and I was texting him some random messages for me to know if it's already his lunch break and where he is, so that I can pull my surprise. :) He was with his classmates, Allain, Sam and Ed, on their way to lunch when I spotted him. I hid behind one of the cars parked infront of the dorm and to tell you frankly, I was so excited in surprising him that I was there that I was shaking a bit. Hehe! So when they walked past where I was hiding, I began walking behind them. Ed saw me trailing behind and also Allain. I made the "Shh" sign and they pretended not to see me. Then I hit Flip's butt (hehe) with the plastic folder I was carrying. He surprisingly turned around and then saw me. I just love the surprise sort of shocked look on his face when he saw me. It was priceless. He then smiled and said that he thought I was back home in Bacolod the whole time we were texting all morning. Hehe.. We laughed and I pretended to be innocent of the whole thing and said that we should go eat because I'm already hungry. We then held hands and walked to where we had lunch with his classmates. His classmates, by the way, teased us a bit. Hehe..

That was kinda corny, I know but it felt great. I thought it was sweet and I love surprises and Flip loved it. Even after 2 years of being together, I'm glad that we still seem to can't get enough of each other and there are still surprises even now and then. Hehe..I'm sorry if that was cheesy or corny again. :)

The next day I had dinner with Flip's family in his uncle's house to celebrate his sister's capping in Nursing. It was fun and I had a great time with his family. I love being with his family, especially his parents. Flip and I are blessed to be enjoying being with each other's family. Strange and rare but true. :)

Flip and I, together with his parents and his sister quite had a rough time after the capping ceremony. It was raining outside and we didn't have a car. So to get out of CPU, we had to walk from the auditorium to the school's main gate. It was drizzling so we had to cover our heads with whatever we had. Good thing I brought a sweater. When we made it to the gate, we then had a hard time getting a taxi. There really were a lot of people and everything and everywhere were wet. So we just got into a jeepney and had ourselves dropped at the plaza where we were able to get into a taxi.

It was quite a rough time, you see but I didn't mind at all. I even enjoyed it because I was with people I like being with. :) We also had a great time at dinner talking and laughing and stuff. Flip's uncle was fun. He's a judge who also teaches at Law school. He told us some of his funny experiences and we all had a great laugh. Flip's brother, Keith and his girlfriend, Karen were also there. Keith had just come home from Manila where he is studying to be a pastor. He and Karen came late since they had to take care some stuff. Being the picture loving person that I am, I was telling everyone to have our picture taken. I was all ready with my camera. Flip's father, however, is "allergic" to having his picture taken, as what he told me in a funny way. I keep asking him jokingly to join us for a pic and he keeps teasing me that we're going to fight. Hehe..

When it was time to go home, I was even happier because we got to go to Dumangas. It was like a road trip late at night. Hehe! We rode in Flip's uncle's van (Toyota Innova) and had their driver drove us to Dumangas to take his parents and Keith home. The place is about 45 minutes away from Iloilo but it seem nearer that time since we were riding on our own vehicle, instead of commuting. So anyway, they also took me home and it was time to call it a night.

I had a great time shopping for clothes and stuff, by the way, at SM City. I asked Mama for the budget to buy stuff that I need before I leave for the US. She was kind enough to give me what I wanted, yehey!! Hehe... I found some really cute tees at Penshoppe and some beautiful tops at July for reasonable prices. I'm glad to have bought clothes without regreting it later like I always did. See, I'm not a good shopper. I often buy stuff that makes me wonder why I bought them later. But this time I actually loved what I bought. So much for the shopping talk, anyway.

Flip and I had some time together before I went home and we stroll around the mall and had lunch at KFC. Vic-Vic fetched me at the pier when I went home and later that afternoon, we went to our nephew, Dustin's birthday which was a swimming party at their home.

I hope this was not a boring post. I just wanted to blog but don't really have some specific stuff to write about. So I figure to just write about what I've been up to and to post some pics with it. :)

First Things First

Here I am on a yet again, new start at blogging. My 6 month old former writing home is switching to a non-free account and I'm off to a new writing space where I can vent my thoughts for free. Since this is my very first entry here, for some reason I'd like to kick things off with my writing history (makes me sound like a "real" writer!)

I have been keeping online diary/journaling stuff since sophomore year of high school, which would be about 7 years now. I've switched to different writing hosts quite a number of times..let's see, there's:

• OpenDiary.com - my very first writing home
• Diary-x.com - the host I've stayed in the longest, about 5 years, with 300+ entries that all vanished to the winds of cyber space due to the crash of Diary-X's hard drive..it was really sad and hard to let go but I've moved on
• Livejournal.com - my new adventure after Diary-X; Didn't last long
• Eponym.com - my space for 6 months before I moved here at Blogger

I don't really know if I've really grown in writing, or improved. I see myself as someone who just writes whenever I feel like to, as an emotional outlet of my life's happenings, and I do it in a way where I just scribble whatever words come out of me. I don't write regularly because I'm moody when it comes to it. Laziness would also be an excuse. I guess I write whenever things are meant to be written. I may have missed out a lot in my journals by not writing some important stuff that's happened in my life, and have had pointless moments by just blabbering useless I-don't-know-what-about-and-what-for entries. But I guess these all make up my writing identity and my history. This is who I am. Reading between my lines is how you'll see me.

I don't mean to sound mysterious or maybe pretending to be this writing geek or some smart ass. Hehe! Sorry, if I sounded one. Over the years, I've also never really had a permanent writing audience. Most people who left comments in my past blog were my friends in real life. But mostly I don't get that much comments. I don't suppose anyone would understand me anyway..hehe..since I don't update regularly and I don't really explain things much.

This is getting long and boring, so I better start ending this. As for the title, Life and Chocolates, it's just something random that popped from my head since I couldn't think of any other fitting blog title. I write about my the stuff in my life and I love chocolates, so hence it is. :)

I guess some self-introduction will come on the next entry. Thank you for gracing my new writing home. :)